Sitting in bed this morning after a llloooonnnggg night with little man, Jeff wakes up and turns over to Case laying between us staring at him. They start cooing back and forth- these are the little things I cherish and look forward to... These are the moments that make being up all night worth it-
I used to LOVE and think I needed my sleep, knowing it would be drastically cut when Case made his debut, I wasn't all that excited. But I've noticed , experiencing the precious moments during the late hours or even through the early morning fits, this is where those very precious moments are hidden. Just him n I... Nursing, snuggling, dreaming These are the moments I live for now. The bond. Not a day shopping. Not a night at the bar. Not a camping trip. This. A lil human being that I so perfectly made. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Nothing else matters-
We haven't been out of the house in 2 weeks due to getting over colds and the cold outside.( mainly the wind--- anyone knows me they know how much I loathe the wind) Yes. It has taken its toll on both of us. I spontaneously break down into tears if I feel I've failed him and he has his crazy meltdowns, because he can't latch on right or I'm not fast enough at getting situated. ( this happens quite frequently, him getting so upset he makes it a vicious cycle) Be easy on me Lil man- I'm still new at this too. We duke it out a lot! He has gotten a stubborn will and I'm going to go ahead and blame that on me. Some from Jeff but most from me. O how we might pay for that later on!
Anyway back to my point- I wondered this morning how it would feel to not breastfeed? I mean it took on such a natural roll with us. How would someone that could offer this bond to their child not want to take it? How would it have felt to be denied it? Frankly, I do not want to know. I have been told I do not seem like the breastfeeding type. Honestly I surprised myself. I was hell bent to do it or at least try and that's probably why we have been so successful. But that's what being a mommy is all about, right? Coming into ur own, taking care of something completely Dependant on YOU. These days I surprise myself more than not and I think most people that have been in my life the past 5-6 years have been completely taken aback by my sudden change of-- I should say heart but I'm going to say - Chang of life. Perception, self, visions, worth, gratefulness, positivity, confidence- this is just a short list of what has changed for me in a short year. Case has made me better, I have made me better. My choice to breastfeed is something that has made me see how important I am to someone. Its been so becoming. I cannot wait to see where I am in a year.
--- being mommy has made me a better me----
